Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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