Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
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He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
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