This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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