i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
