No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
