Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
