the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
