woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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