I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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