Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
