I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Barsexuality is the new black.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
