there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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