okay pat passed out under dana's car
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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