that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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