I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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