This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
