As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
