I'd wear matching sweaters with you
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
