So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
