when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
