god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
