I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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