just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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