I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
