Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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