Don't make out with my wife yet
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
