i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
