Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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