i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
