HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
