...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
