So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
