I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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