I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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