I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
