i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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