Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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