If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you traded sex for a burrito?
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
