Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
