why didn't you poke me back
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
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I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
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I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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