Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
