I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I checked into jail on foursquare
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
