i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
