I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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