i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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