My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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