No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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