My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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