Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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