One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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