my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I love you. Go after that dick
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