On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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