Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
