Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
