My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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