I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
