I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
you mean i was at the winter classic?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
