All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
